Who started the damaging rumor that tough feedback is easier to take when it’s delivered in a warm and fuzzy package? Sandwiching difficult feedback (“your work is unacceptable”) between niceties (“but you’re always on time and everyone here loves you”) is what I call the Compliment Sandwich. It may seem kinder, but it’s guaranteed that the only message being heard is the positive one. Equally counter productive is using words like “should”, “would”, “ought”, “gotta”, “must” and "try", all which turn constructive feedback into advice.
It may “feel” nicer to make a correction by phrasing it as advice, “If it were me, I’d go with some brighter colors on that report.” However, there’s nothing in that statement that indicates a mandatory action. It’s just advice, and when an employee fails to take that advice (after all, it sounds optional), the penalty is often harsher to take than it would have been to just hear up front; “You must use brighter colors on that report.”
Which would you prefer: a) staying late to rewrite a report because the boss made the directions sound optional and then freaked out when you didn't take his advice or b) leaving on time because you were told what the boss wanted from the get go?
There are five core reasons advice doesn’t work as constructive feedback:
#1: Judgment- Giving advice sends a message that says, “You’re obviously not as smart as I am or you would have thought of this already.”
#2: Directive- As the boss, you have the right (and an obligation) to be directive. But when you deliver directions as advice, it comes off sounding like a recommendation, and that leads to unclear directions.
#3: Inflexibility- Advice offers two choices: take the advice or don’t take the advice. The former tends to incite resentment and the latter fear. A direct order is much easier for the ego to take.
#4: Narcissism- Admit it, we’ve all, at one time or another said, “If it were me, I’d do it this way…,” not because it “has” to be done that way, but rather to fill a personal emotional need. There’s nothing constructive about that.
#5: Unsolicited- Unless someone has asked to be judged, corrected or directed (and not many of us do), being on the receiving end of advice typically raises the impenetrable walls of defensiveness. Which means nothing is being heard.
There's one golden rule for delivering constructive feedback: If something is mandatory, where an employee will face repercussion if they don’t do it an exact way, don’t even think about softening directions and corrections. That means no Compliment Sandwiches and no advice; just the facts. In the end, upon being rewarded for a job well done, your employees will thank you.
